Reclaiming Desire in a Long Term Relationship

It’s quite common for desire to disappear in a long term relationship.    Sexual intimacy is important.  Here are of my top tips to help you reignite desire in your intimate life.

1.Distance breeds desire.

While spending 24 7 with your other half breeds familiarity and friendship.  It’s important to spend enough time away from your partner so that when you do meet, you have energy and attraction for each other. Sleeping in a different bed sometimes can be a good idea, or doing separate activities on weekends so that when you meet again you are truly happy to reconnect with each other. 

2. Spend more time with your female friends.

Polarity is what makes attraction really sexy.  The more time you spend with women, the more you will fill your cup of femininity and have more energy to share with your partner when you do see each other.  Same goes for him spending time with his male friends and doing traditionally masculine activities like working outside or shouting at a football match. 

3. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself.  

Spend as much time as possible relaxing.  Isn’t that great advice? Exercise, stay healthy eat well, and don’t put yourself last in the family too often as it will drain you.   Make sure you get enough sleep, that you spend enough time alone, and that there is time during your week when you are free just to potter around the house, doing whatever it is that you like to do at the pace you feel like doing it.  These simple things balance the 3 faces of the feminine:  the temptress, the mother and the queen.  The temptress needs enough sleep, the mother needs time alone, and the queen needs time to potter.  When these three faces of the feminine are in harmony the sexual priestess can emerge, which means that when these three aspects are in harmony, your libido can present itself. 

4. Hormone health

The health of our hormonal system contributes to levels of desire for sexual intimacy.   A balanced hormonal system is behind a happy libido.    Look into natural hormone supports, like pine pollen, or anna’s wild yam cream. 

5. Connect with your Heart through Breast Massage

Connecting with your heart is key to connecting with your feminine essence.  Breast massage is fantastic for female reproductive health, breast health, and radiant health.   When we nourish ourselves through daily or weekly breast massage rituals, you can literally feel the pleasure within your heart increase.  This is a woman’s primary positive sexual pole.  Breast massage can help bring us more into touch with our radiant embodied feminine sexuality.  Massaging your breasts in an anti-clockwise motion, while focusing on self love and the sensations of expansion and pleasure within the actual heart itself, is a primary practice for strengthening your feminine essence. 


6. Allow yourself to feel and express your feelings.  

If you bottle things up inside, you’re also affecting the free flow of your sexual energy.  The two things go together.   If you’re not very comfortable expressing yourself, at least allow yourself to sigh and sound out your emotions during the day.  Sing.  Hum. Moan.  Sigh.  Let yourself cry if you have to.  This movement of emotion allows more space within for pleasure to be felt.   

7. Tune into the pleasures that already be.

It actually feels good to be alive.  Unless you are in pain or have a lot of tension in your muscles, the feeling of being alive is pleasurable in itself.  By tuning into the small pleasures that we have constant access to, it helps to connect us with the experience of being embodied, which is where the best sex happens.  Make the application of lotions an opportunity to be mindfully sensual with yourself, pay attention to the way the fabric you are wearing is caressing your skin, tune into the yumminess of the wind gently playing with your hair,  squeeze your vagina muscles a few times and bask in the glow, make a cup of tea in a sensual and present way and so on.  Every moment of the day is an opportunity to be sensually aware.  This brings you into your body and into the present moment, and its great practice for the bedroom, and it opens you up there more too, because this is really what great sex is about - developing more and more sensitivity to the smallest of things, so that anything and everything becomes pleasurable and orgasmic.  

8. Increase the amount of sensual touch in your life.

Go and get massages more regularly, and get some coconut oil and bring it into the bedroom.  Make regular massage a part of your life with your partner.  Giving to him can be a real turn on too.  Teach him how you most like to be touched.  Give him feedback through your massage through your sounds of pleasure and relaxation, so he knows what you like. 

 9. Dance. 

Find your own sensuality alone with music and movement. The more regularly you dance the more your libido will return. If you like, invite your partner to share in this sensual dance with you.  Pay more attention to pelvic movements, circling instead of linear or angle movements.  Circle and weave and spiral, awaken your feminine sexual energy through your own embodied dance practice.  Dancing alone at home to one song a day  for 21 days would do so much to bring back your libido.  Or take dance classes with your partner.  Tango is tantra on the dance floor, and other partner dances like Salsa where the man leads and the woman surrenders to that is great practice for masculine and feminine polarities in the bedroom. 

10. Have sex more often.

It’s true what they say, if you don’t use it you lose it.  Also keep in mind that for some women, their desire switches on after they start engaging in sexual activity.  That means you might be dragging your heels or even thinking that you’ve lost your desire, but if you just go ahead and make the effort and embrace the embrace, your relaxation and softening will follow. Focus on cultivating feelings of love in your heart, and it will help to open your body, and to drop your attention into your body and out of your mind which is prone to distracting you.  This is also the pathway to increasing the amount of pleasure you feel in your life, and pleasure is your responsibility to cultivate. 

11. Take responsibility for your own sensual and pleasurable needs.

Developing and awakening your own sexual essence is the responsibility of every woman to do so for herself.  We can’t wait for a man to ravage us and take us to sexual spiritual heaven.  Such opportunities are usually rare in a woman’s life anyway.  And sometimes women are so closed that it is hard for her man to reach her.   It’s not all his responsibility, and it can put pressure on him.  Make self pleasuring a part of your life, and get to know your own body and pleasurable sensations and orgasmic capacity.   Remove the responsibility for orgasm from your partner’s shoulders, and learn together how to relax into a sexual style which is more fulfilling for you both. 

12. Don’t underestimate yourself when it comes to sex.

Educate yourself about the higher and deeper possibilities of sex.  Sometimes women who shut down and resist sex, do so because they haven’t experienced a really fulfilling sex life so far.  The mainstream model just doesn’t allow for the deeper mysteries and potential of the female body, and disillusioned, some women lose interest in sex.  Most men want to please their partner, they want her to be happy and they want to have an intimate and fulfilling sex life with their partner.  If he doesn’t know how to do it, maybe he’d be willing to learn with you. Perhaps a solution can be found in considering a different way of making love, one which is cooler, less exciting, but ultimately far more pleasurable and which builds communion between a couple.  Where sex is less about the friction and the orgasms, and all about deep heart and full body connection?  If you create a soft and relaxing environment in your vagina, and practice relaxing into pleasure and relaxing through arousal instead of tensing, you are assisting your partner to also slow down, become more sensitive, and last a long time in a relaxing fashion.  Practice relaxing through orgasmic feelings instead of tensing or striving for orgasm.  Make sex more about the intimate loving communion with your partner than any goal.  Make the only goal to connect and to float in the moment.  Connect hearts eyes genitals and bodies.  With a relaxed vagina, deep breathing and letting sounds flow,  you can start to feel valley orgasms, which go through your entire body and which have a timeless infinite quality to them, quite different to the quick rise and fall of the peak orgasm.  When you stop chasing the orgasmic peak and instead cultivate the orgasmic state, your lovemaking can become far more satisfying and bonding.